Written by Hamilton Steele on June 27, 2021

To thine own self be true

“Hamilton you have to go. I’m not going to let you out of this.”

My fellow performer, Crystal, was talking to me and the look on her face told me it wasn’t worth the argument. Besides she is right, I agreed to this and I couldn’t flake now. The only thing I can’t understand is, given my general hatred for this type of scene, why I agreed to do this with her in the first place. I must have sucker stamped on my forehead.

I park the car in front of the building and I spot one guy I was hoping not to see. I can’t help but think negative thoughts. “Damn it all anyways, can’t someone teach Jake to use deodorant in the summer? Oh great, he is coming over to us.“

“Hamilton, why don’t you try and put a smile on your face. You act like this is the end of the world. Besides look at the beautiful woman you have with you.”

I snap at him, letting him know that I’m happy for this opportunity and just glad to be part of the program. Jake raises an eyebrow and walks away laughing about how fickle some porn talent can be. Then before I can make another smart ass comment, Crystal takes my arm and asks me if I would like to talk about the shadow people. This time a genuine grin comes to my face and I nuzzle her cheek and let her know I’m following through on this.

“Blah, Blah, Blah,” the guy in charge won’t shut up and I do my best to act interested. I’m just here to do my thing, collect what’s owed to me and leave. Act interested, just let these guys do their job. The sooner they finish, the sooner I can go home. Or so I’m thinking, but tonight I have a hard time even feigning interest. I look over to Crystal and it’s obvious that she knows my thoughts. There isn’t even a hint of bemusement in her eyes. She, an old pro at this game, can spot veiled interest a mile away and she is getting really pissed off with me. With a bit of remorse for my juvenile attitude, I lower my head and wait out the time in polite silence. Lord, these people just won’t shut up!

Crystal stretches out and silently parts her legs. She looks at me with a wry grin and gives me a wink. “You made it this far, just a few more minutes and all your suffering tonight will be over.” This statement actually makes me smile and I am forced to admit that this little girl really gives my hormone levels a rise. In my Neanderthal way, I attempt to touch her face and I’m rewarded with a smile and word of caution. “Soft, touchy romance is wonderful but don’t loose site of what we are really here to do.”

For some reason I’m offended by this comment and my mind screams, “Fuck! I’m just trying to show you a bit of gentleness. Given our current surroundings and situation is that such a bad thing? ” I feel the heat begin to rise in my face and I withdraw from her, after all I don’t need this shit. Crystal’s face turns to an expression of disgust at my reaction and I can tell she wants to blow up at me. I decide to ignore her evil eye and do what I have to until this ends.

She whispers her admonishment through clenched teeth, “You know you can stop wasting everyone’s time and just leave. If you are determined to fuck things up for yourself then go and leave. Everyone else here is serious about doing this.” My jaw tenses and I crack my knuckles. After all I really don’t want to be here and I certainly can find better things to do. So I stand up and turn to leave. Three steps and I stop. I just can’t bring myself to leave. My racing mind holds me in place. After a few heartbeats I become aware that the guy at the front of the room is talking to me. “Hey buddy, is there something you care to share with us.”

My eyes close tightly and I whisper, “fuck” under my breath. The words that sat like a rock in my throat painfully come to the surface and out of my mouth. “Hi, my name is Hamilton and I’m an alcoholic.”